"How to Forgive"
-- from Lolo Dexter's Tips and Advises archive
Forgive and forget, let go and lighten your load. A grudge can be a heavy weight to bear...
Steps:
- Think about what happened.
- Acknowledge all of your feelings. There is often anger lurking behind any hurt or sadness you might feel.
- Express your feelings - write them out, talk to a friend or simply allow yourself to feel what you feel.
- Accept responsibility for your own emotions. Although you were wronged and your emotions may be justified, it is still up to you to decide when you're ready to stop feeling angry or upset.
- Talk to the other person about the behavior that upset you and how it made you feel. The odds are that you won't feel truly ready to forgive until you know this person has heard and understood your perspective.
- Try to understand the other person's perspective, even if you don't really agree with it.
- Rebuild trust in the relationship. Make agreements about acceptable future behavior whenever appropriate.
- Make the decision to forgive, and communicate your forgiveness to the other person. Once you've done this, make every effort to move on and let it go completely.
Tips:
- You can forgive someone without condoning his or her behavior; forgiveness isn't the same thing as approval.
- Avoid a defensive reaction by first venting your emotions outside the presence of the wrongdoer - this will help the interaction to be more productive.
- Wait until you are truly ready to forgive. Respect your feelings and take all the time you need.
Tips from other people:
Put your pride aside
Don't let your pride hold you back, especially if you really intend to forgive. Know that you're not perfect and (obviously) neither is the other person.
- Jewel E.
Why forgive?
Let go of any ill feelings toward anyone, for your own gain if not for the other person. The main person who hurts when you have ill feelings toward someone else is yourself. You owe it to yourself to forgive and let go.
- Deedee
Forgiving equals forgetting
If we truly forgive, we also have to forget. We cannot take it from our memory but when we truly forgive it should never be brought up or used against that person, thats what true forgiveness is. If we continually bring an issue up, we have not forgiven.
- Lisa C.
Forgiving
Forgiving doesn't mean you allow the same offense to be repeated over and over. If the offense has stopped you can forgive, if not then learn to either live with it or move on.
- Christine S.
Decide either way
If you don't make the decision to forgive, your relationship is never going to improve. It might take some effort to forgive and not think negatively, but if you want the relationship to continue, it's something you have to do. If you don't want the relationship anymore, then make that decision and make it easier on everyone, instead of waiting for it to hit rock bottom.
- Maccoolit
Things worth having are often hard to get
Getting to a stage where you can forgive and forget is not easy. Three years after breaking up with someone, I still feel hurt, angry, and sad at times. Recently I was out for a meal with friends and suddenly started thinking about the past, it made me cry (again). I talked things through with my friends. The next day, one of them said to me "You are one of the most forgiving people I know, so why haven't you forgiven yourself yet?" Forgiving yourself is often the hardest thing to do, but I know I'll get there in the end.
- I'll G.
Forget
I have learned that forgiveness isn't just saying that it's OK. It's also making sure that the topic never comes up again. If you find yourself constantly bringing up the thing you supposedly forgave them for, then you still have some issues with the problem that need to be worked out. Don't forget that you can love the person, but not love what they did. They are two separate things!
- A-boy
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"Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting." -- William Arthur Ward
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